Joke Time

[homedawg]

A Texas cowboy walks into a bar and takes a seat next to a very
attractive woman. He gives her a quick glance then causally looks at
his watch for a moment.


The woman notices this and asks, "Is your date running late?"


No", he replies, "I just got this state-of the-art watch, and I was
just testing it."


The intrigued woman says, "a state-of-the-art watch?" "What's so
special about it?"


The cowboy explains, "It uses alpha waves to talk to me
telepathically."



The lady says, "What's it telling you now?"


"Well, it says you're not wearing any panties."


The woman giggles and replies "Well it must be broken because I am
wearing panties!"


The cowboy smiles, taps his watch and says,........ "Damn thing's an
hour fast!"


:beer2:

[yomonte]

A cop pulls a guy over for speeding, walks up to the driver and asks him for his lisense. The driver says I don't have a license. Cop says do you have a registration. Driver says no I stole this car. cop says who did you steal it from and the driver says he's in the trunk, I killed him. Cop runs back to his patrol car and call the captain. Captain shows up and says, I hear you don't have a license, registration and you stole this car. Driver says, here's my licensd and registration and there is nobody in the truck. Drivers says, I bet he told you I was speeding too.

[Queen]

Billy Graham was returning to Charlotte after a speaking engagement. When his plane
arrived there was a limousine there to transport him to his home in Montreat.

As he prepared to get into the limo, he stopped and spoke to the driver.

"You know" he said, "I am 87 years old and I have never driven a limousine. Would
you mind if I drove it for a while?"

The driver said, "No problem. Have at it."
"Billy gets into the driver's seat and they head off down the highway.

A short distance away sat a rookie State Trooper operating his first speed trap.
The long black limo went by him doing 70 in a 55 mph zone.

The trooper pulled out and easily caught the limo and got out of his patrol car to
begin the procedure.
The young trooper walked up to the driver's door and when the glass was rolled down
he was surprised to see who was driving.

He immediately excused himself and went back to his car and called his supervisor.
He told the supervisor, "I know we are supposed to enforce the law but I also know
that important people are sometimes given certain courtesies.
I need to know what I should do because I have stopped a very important person."

"The supervisor asked, "Is it the governor?"

The young trooper said, "No, he's more important than that."

The supervisor said, "Oh, so it's the president."

The young trooper said, "Not, he's even more important than that."

The supervisor finally asked, "Well then, who is it?"

The young trooper said, "I think it's Jesus because he's got Billy Graham
for a chauffeur !!!!!

[homedawg]

YOU MIGHT BE A REDNECK IF...

Taking your wife on a cruise means circling the Dairy Queen.

You believe dual air bags refer to your wife and mother-in-law.

The Halloween pumpkin on your front porch has more teeth than your wife.

The people on Jerry Springer's show remind you of your neighbors.

You've been married three times and still have the same in-laws.

You let your twelve-year-old daughter smoke at the dinner table in front of her kids.

You buy your jewelry at the hardware store.

You keep empty beer cans in your fridge for your friends that don't drink

You think taking a bubble bath starts with eating beans for dinner.

Your wife has ever said, "Come move this transmission so I can take a bath."

Jack Daniel's makes your list of "most admired people".

You won't stop at a rest area if you have an empty beer can in the car.

You consider a six-pack and a bug-zapper high-quality entertainment.

You go Christmas shopping for your mom, sister, and girlfriend, and you only need to buy one gift.

You think loading the dishwasher means getting your wife drunk.

[Meestermike]

Its gettin to where a fella cain't have fun around here no more :beer2:

MEMORANDUM

TO: All Employees

FROM: Human Resources

SUBJECT: Restroom Trip Policy (RTP)

In the past, employees were permitted to make trips to the restroom under informal guidelines. Effective April 1, 2008, a Restroom Trip Policy (RTP) will be established to provide a consistent method of accounting for each employee's restroom time and ensuring equal treatment of all employees. This action is necessitated by a marked increase in restroom privilege abuse.

Under this policy, a "Restroom Trip Bank" will be established for each employee. The first day of each month, employees will be given a Restroom Trip Credit of 20. Each time an employee uses the restroom, one trip credit will be deducted from his or her balance. Unused Restroom Trip Credits can be accumulated from month to month, however, the balance may not exceed 30.

Currently, the entrance to all restrooms are being equipped with personal identification stations and computer-linked voice print recognition. :cry: During the next two weeks, each employee must provide two copies of voice prints (one normal, one under stress) to the Computer Room. The voice print recognition stations (VPRS) will be operational, but not restrictive. for the last part of the month of April; employees should acquaint themselves with the stations during that period. Effective May 1, 2008, all VPRS's will be fully activated, and those potential restroom users without voice prints on file will be restricted from restroom use.

If an employee's Restroom Trip Bank balance reaches zero, the doors to all restrooms will not unlock for that employee's voice until the first day of the following month.

In addition, all restroom stalls are being equipped with a timed paper-roll retractors. :bang: If the stall is occupied for more than three minutes, an alarm will sound. Thirty seconds after the alarm sound, the roll of paper in the stall will retract, the toilet will flush and the stall door will automatically spring open.:laughing:

If you have any questions, please contact your supervisor.

***
Your Personnel Department.
***

[yomonte]

This one is too short so I'll just give the punch line

One, but the light bulb has to want to change























Its gettin to where a fella cain't have fun around here no more :beer2:

[Meestermike]

A man entered a restaurant and sat at the only open table. As he sat down, he knocked the spoon off the table with his elbow. A nearby waiter reached into his shirt pocket, pulled out a clean spoon, and set it on the table. The diner was impressed. "Do all the waiters here carry spoons in their pockets?"

The waiter replied, "Yes. Ever since an Efficiency Expert visited our restaurant... He determined that 17.8% of our diners knock the spoon off the table. By carrying clean spoons with us, we save trips to the kitchen."

The diner ate his meal. As he was paying the waiter, he commented, "Forgive the intrusion, but do you know that you have a string hanging from your fly?"

The waiter replied, "Yes, we all do. Seems that the same Efficiency Expert determined that we spend to much time washing our hands after using the men's room. So, the other end of that string is tied to my penis. When I need to go, I simply pull the string, do my thing, and then return to work. Having never touched myself, there really is no need to wash my hands. Saves a lot of time."

"Wait a minute," said the diner, "how do you get your penis back in your pants?"




























"Well, I don't know about the other guys, but I use the spoon."

[Meestermike]

A man was in his front yard mowing grass when his attractive blonde female neighbour came out of the house and went straight to the mail box. She opened it then slammed it shut stormed back in the house.

























A little later she came out of her house again went to the mail box and again opened it, slammed it shut again. Angrily, back into the house she went.























As the man was getting ready to edge the lawn, here she came out again, marched to the mail box, opened it and then slammed it closed harder than ever.

Puzzled by her actions the man asked her, 'Is something wrong?'
























To which she replied, 'There certainly is! My stupid computer keeps saying, 'YOU'VE GOT MAIL'

[yomonte]

This one is too long so I'll just give the punch line

Ping Pong balls, I thought you said King Kongs balls

[yomonte]

A talking gorilla, who shall remain nameless, goes in a bar and orders a drink. the talking gorilla gives him a $100 bill. The bartender doen't give him change cause he thinks gorillas can't count. so the gorilla orders another drink and gives the bartender another $100. The bartender doesn't give him change. the bartender says, we don't get many talking gorillas here. The Gorilla says, for $100 a drink I guess not.

[yomonte]

A guy goes in a bar and the bartender says would you like a drink and the guy says sure, I'll have a shot of Jack. Bartender gives him his drink and says that will be $3.50. The guy says hey, you offered me a drink. The guy next to him says yeah, you did offer him a drink. So the bartender throws him out. 30 minutes later the guy comes back and the bartender says I told you not to come back. The guy says that wasn't me. the bartender says then you must have a double. The guy says, sure and how bout drink for my freind

[homedawg]

One night, a drunk comes stumbling into a bar and says to the bartender: "Drinks for all on me including you, bartender." So the bartender follows the mans orders and says: "That will be $36.50 please." The drunk says he has no money so the bartender slaps him around and throws him out.

The next night the same drunk comes in again and orders a drink for everyone in the bar including the bartender. Again the bartender follows instructions and again the drunk says he has no money. So the bartender slaps him around and throws him out.

On the third night he comes in, the drunk orders drinks for all except the bartender. "What, no drink for me?" replies the bartender. "Oh, no. You get violent when you drink."

:drunk:

[yomonte]

Little Phil was 6 years old .

Musta been 1961

Who loves ya baby

[yomonte]

A ham sandwich walks in a bar and orders a beer. The Bartender says sorry, we don't serve food here.

[Daws1089]

thats pretty good. Here's one i heard yesterday...


I guy goes into a bar and orders 12 shots right away. The bar tender is pouring them and before the bartender can finish pouring them all, the guy starts throwing 'em back. "Why are you drinking them so fast?" said the bartender. The man replies, " You'd be drinking them fast too if you had what i have."

"and what's that?" says the bartender.


"75 cents"