Cleveland Browns (0-0 SU, 0-0 ATS) vs. New York Jets (0-0 SU, 0-0 ATS)
NFL Week 1
Date/Time: Sunday Sept. 13th, 2015, 1pm EDT
Where: MetLife Stadium
TV: CBS
by Tim B., NFL Handicapper, Predictem.com
Point Spread: Cleve. -3/NYJ +3
Over/Under Total: 40.5
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An owl whistles upside down leading a Conga line. Hot and spicy is served moody and slumberous. Politicians become diligent collecting scruples. A Ford minivan does not rust. Impossible!! Two teams>> Belly-to-Belly>> and both are Underdogs??? Impossible? Thats right, tap your red Pradas together Dorothy! In yet another sign of the coming Apocalypse including various conspiracy theories, the NFL has fractured the fabric of the sporting universe by scheduling Dumb and Dumber Part VIII LIVE from the City with Many Potholes. Lets take a look inside this Browns v Jets never to be a classic contest!
The absolute worst news the Browns could possibly hear out of the Jets camp is Jets QB Geno Smith got lumped up over $600 and wont play! Did Smith deserve the smack delivered by LB Ik Enemkpali? Yes! Why? Because Geno Smith sucks and cant hit an inside slant without FEDEX-ing the play to every LB and DB on the field! Since becoming the starter, Smith has led the Jets to an 11-18 record while ambitiously boasting a combined 35.5 QBR Rating tying Geno for 27th worst in the NFL ORget ready for it2 spots above Browns new starting QB Josh McCown who sits 1 spot ahead of dead last!!!!! Now we see a glimpse of why no team may come out a winner in this Dances With Wolves made for TV sitcom/NFL Game. As Smith labors to get better (his jaw; his Game aint getting better!) rumors suggest the Browns have a limo on standby very close to Genos residence just in case a miracle occurs! Lets look at some other funny stuff going into this game.
Browns Head Coach Mike Pettine cant catch a break. Against his wishes, Pettine witnessed Browns Owner and trendy Truck Stop Tycoon Jimmy Haslam draft the most explosive college athlete in history (Johnny Manziel) against Pettines wishes, watched WR Josh Gordon laissez faire his way into another substance abuse suspension, and has spent the summer diluting and deflecting Q&As about the Browns lackof anythingall summer long! Pettine has had it with Haslam and all the Cleveland antics and might end up coaching High School football where he belongs. Is Josh McCown The Answer in Cleveland? Apparently, Yes, yes he is. The Browns let QB Brian Hoyer get away after Hoyer recorded an amazing statistic as the Browns starter; Hoyer holds a 10-6 record as a starting QB for the Browns and the only winning record as QB for the Browns in 17 years! But, The Truck Stop Tycoon (Haslam) and the future High School Head Coach (Pettine) thought a winning record dont count none in the land Where Rivers Catch Fire letting Hoyer slip away to the Texans by signing Josh McCownNooooo, not Heath ShulerJosh McCown who owns a 17-32 for his career as a starting QB. Sooooooo, the Browns decided to bring in a QB with a worse winning record playing on better teams in the HOPE they will catch lightening in a bottle with McCown and his 6-7 2002 season with the Cardinals??? Or how about McCowns 1-10 starting record with last years Buccaneers? I think Haslam should be tested for diesel fume inhalation? As Ive said time-after-time whenever covering the Browns; The Cleveland Browns are the Baltimore Ravens since 1996! This is NOT the Cleveland Browns! The current Cleveland Browns are Cirque de Soleil off the field and a Greek Tragedy on the field.
The Jets stand in stark contrast with the bumbling Browns only because of team colors. The Jets ARE the Browns. Check these stats out: The Jets finished the 2014 season 1 spot below Cleveland in total offense (28th). The Jets finished dead last in passing offense last year (32nd) and 28th in scoring offense whichhere it comeswas 1 spot below the Cleveland Browns! Since Geno cant seem to pay back people he borrows money from and is nursing a broken jaw because of this extraordinary talent, quintessential non-combatant Ryan Fitzpatrick will start at QB for the Jets against the Browns. Known around the league as Who The Hell Is That?, Fitzpatrick has blotched together an impressive resume including ZERO winning seasons anywhere he hasuhhhummmmbeen the starting QB. One glimpse at Fitzpatrick may quicken a knee-jerk response such as; Why the crap does a New York Professional Football Team put a Dud like Fitzpatrick #1 on their depth chart? The Answer? Because the Jets arent interested in fielding a competitive teamORthe Jets believe Cleveland is so bad they dont have to field a competitive team to make money with concessionsI mean, Win! Darrelle Revis is back at Cover Corner, but he aint no Deion Sanders (DEFINITELY) and is virtually like putting a new rear passenger side tire on a 1972 sky blue Ford Pintoit makes the whole car look even worse. Probably the best thing Jet fans can anticipate in 2015 is the explosion certainly to come from WR Brandon Marshall when PayBack Geno Smith starts throwing at Marshalls feet, rear end, and over Marshalls head during the course of the regular season. I am certain the disgust and frustration will take its toll on Brandon Marshall and the resulting nuclear blast will have all of us in stitches sooner rather than later. As for the Jets offense as a whole in 2015? More of 2014 with a touch of 13, and 12 for good measure. Fitzy should make some absolutely horrendous throws and terrible decisions and I give both combined a +18 OVER/Under.
Simply put; unwatchable professional football. Two teams destined for nothingness marching quickly. Kelly green vs Truck Stop BrownI wish those two were going at it instead of Cleveland vs the Jets! In any event, dont expect too much from these monsters of the mundane. If you watch this game with a wry smile chances are youll get more than three laughs per team per half! It should be a great show and I predict really no one winning this weekend. But I must pick. Ill ask my friend Shandar the Great to put his wizards cap on. What say ye Shandar??
Tim B.s Pick to Cover the Point Spread: UNDER 40.5
